


Talk themselves mad

by anactoriatalksback



Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: Among other kinds of talk, Dirty Talk, Finger Sucking, First Kiss, First Time Blow Jobs, Franky Cranky Does Not Have A Boyfriend, Franky Cranky is a sloppy drunk, Hand Jobs, Implied Sexual Content, Intercrural Sex, It's all fun and games until someone pokes at your most fundamental insecurities, M/M, OR IS IT, Pray for Thomas Jopson, That's ... not what Sir John meant when he said to cherish Francis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:28:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24824605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anactoriatalksback/pseuds/anactoriatalksback
Summary: James Fitzjames has been living rent-free in Francis Crozier's head and Thomas Jopson, like any good mongoose, decides to take matters into his own hands. Cue James Fitzjames and Francis Crozier locked together in a dark room.
Relationships: Captain Francis Crozier/Commander James Fitzjames
Comments: 67
Kudos: 101





	1. Chapter 1

‘Is there anything you require for dinner, Captain?’

‘Furnish me an excuse to get away from Fitzjames’s endless stories, Jopson.’

‘I’ll see what I can do, sir.’

‘Better yet, caulk my ears closed so I don’t have to listen.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘It’ll be the one about Chiang-Kiang, I’d expect, we haven’t heard that one in a good while.’

‘Quite possibly, sir.’

* * *

‘How was dinner, sir?’

‘It was the Chiang-Kiang tale, I knew it would be.’

‘So you did, sir.’

‘Blanky, did you see? Magnetic North wanders farther afield every day.’

‘Nowt especially unusual, that.’

‘Fitzjames was staring at the compass like he could will it to settle.’

‘Was he, sir?’

‘If he did, at least that’d be a new story.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘If I have to hear about guano one more time I’ll feed him Neptune’s leavings myself.’

‘Yes, sir.’

* * *

‘There, sir. That’s the button sewn on for you, all right and tight, sir.’

‘Thank you, Jopson.’

‘No trouble at all, sir.’

‘Not that anybody’ll notice.’

‘Sir?’

‘Bedazzled by Fitzjames’s hair, I expect.’

‘Ah. Yes, sir.’

‘Probably commandeers a boat to club a seal to death for the pomade.’

‘I don’t think that’s - ’

‘Anyway. Mustn’t keep our lords and masters on _Erebus_ waiting.’

‘No, sir.’

‘That button’s on nice and secure.’

‘Of course, sir.’

‘Not that anybody’ll notice.’

‘I’m sure they will, sir.’

‘Blinded by Fitzjames’s - ’

‘-Hair, sir, yes, sir.’

‘Epaulettes.’

‘Yes, sir.’

* * *

‘Sir John and Fitzjames are to come to dinner tonight, Jopson.’

‘Yes, sir, I heard, sir.’

‘They’ll be wanting the good claret, I expect, Jopson.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Tell the kitchen no to the capers.’

‘Already done, sir. And for you, sir? Will you require anything special, sir?’

‘The Kilbeggan. Just – keep at my elbow and make sure I have it in my line of sight.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Himself will disdain to touch it.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘More for the swiper Mick, then.’

‘Now, sir - '

‘Might even make Fitzjames’s tales more bearable.’

‘And there it is.’

‘What, Jopson?’

‘Nothing, sir. The Kilbeggan, you said, sir?’

‘Yes. Keep it coming until I laugh in the right places.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Or the wrong ones, I suppose.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Hard to tell the difference with a Fitzjames story.’

‘Yes, sir.’

* * *

‘Not alllll th’…Kilbeggan ‘n th’ world, Jopson.’

‘No, sir.’

‘Not alllll the whiskey in the world can freshen the …birdshit island … story.’

‘No, sir.’

‘I know it by heart, now.’

‘I know, sir.’

‘Blanky knows it by heart.’

‘I’m sure he does, sir.’

‘We all know it by heart.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘You’d think he’d know that.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘You’d think he’d know.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘You’d think he’d … think about that.’

‘Sir?’

‘Think about me.’

‘Sir?’

‘Knowing the story. By heart.’

‘Sir.’

‘For a man so self-conscious to… not be conscious of that.’

‘Sir.’

‘Of me – us! – listening.’

‘Sir.’

‘And knowing.’

‘Sir.’

‘By heart, now.’

‘Sir.’

‘You can set your clock by it, you know.’

‘Sir.’

‘Now he’s going to pat his chest.’

‘Sir.’

‘Now he’s going to hold up his finger and thumb.’

‘Sir.’

‘It’s the only reason I can stand to listen.’

‘Sir.’

‘To see if I’m right.’

‘Sir.’

‘And I am.’

‘Sir.’

‘Every time.’

‘Sir.’

‘Two things want me dead, Jopson.’

‘Sir?’

‘This place.’

‘Sir.’

‘And Fitzjames’s conversation.’

‘Yes, sir. I’ll take the Kilbeggan from you, if I might, sir.’

‘Arra leave it, there’s barely a drop in there.’

‘You’ll have a powerful head tomorrow, sir.’

‘That’s at the feet of the birdshit island story, Jopson.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘You’d think he’d know, Jopson.’

‘He might, sir. At this rate, I don’t see how he couldn’t.’

‘What?’

‘Nothing, sir. Please, sir, go to bed, sir.’

‘What manner of a man is he at all, at all?’

‘…I don’t know, sir.’

* * *

‘He’s a gull-catcher, Jopson.’

‘Sir?’

‘Or he wants to be.’

‘Sir?’

‘There’s a man, Jopson, there’s a man wants powerfully to be liked.’

‘Sir.’

‘Do you like him, Jopson?’

‘Sir?’

‘Captain Peacock. Fitzjames.’

‘…’

‘Forget I asked.’

‘I’ll try my hardest, sir.’

* * *

‘Francis, I know you’re constitutionally incapable of looking on the bright side, but – oh, confound it!’

‘…’

‘Well, I’ll admit I can see the irony of the expression ‘the bright side’.’

‘I give you joy of your irony, James. Jopson, we need a light.’

‘I’ll get one to you straightaway, sirs.’

‘….’

‘….’

‘Were we sitting here and palavering all this time with naught but one lamp?’

‘You weren’t complaining before.’

‘I’m not comp – it merely _struck_ me.’

‘Did you take Chiang-Kiang in the light of day, then?’

‘…’

‘James, did you _sniff_?’

‘I did nothing of the sort.’

‘Very well, James.’

‘And if you _must_ know - ’

‘Oh, hell and damnation, James, save it for the next dinner. The decanter’s not gone around nearly enough for me to make a good fist of pretending to enjoy the tale now.’

‘…’

‘Look, I’m - ’

‘The decanter’s not gone around, Francis, because you hold on to it like a drowning man to a raft.’

‘James - ’

‘And enlighten me: when did you ever make any sort of fist of pretending to enjoy my conversation?’

‘James - ’

‘What miracles of diplomacy and wit have you enacted while I was sleeping at the wheel, Francis? Tell me. I have time.’

‘We do _not_ have time.’

‘We have time sufficient for this.’

‘James, you’ll have to find someone else to indulge you in your pets.’

‘My _pets_?’

‘You’re a commander in the Discovery service, James, not a spoiled heiress.’

‘…Out of your extensive study of heiresses, no doubt.’

‘… You will not speak of her.’

‘Of Miss Cracroft? Miss Cracroft an heiress? Oh, please. A thousand pounds a year might make one an impossible plutocrat in County Down, Francis, but to us unregenerate Southerners - ’

‘You will _not_. Speak. Of her.’

‘…Do not slam the table, Francis. I’m not one of the midshipmen to be impressed by such footling displays of brutishness.’

‘Christ, James, I know. If you had spirit in you to be truly impressed by anything, I think I’d have seen it by now.’

‘I? _I?_ Oh, that’s capital. A rare jest, coming from you. Here we are, all but found the Passage - ’

‘ ‘All but’ means less than nothing, as you’d know if - ’

‘- I’d been to the Arctic, yes, you’ve made yourself quite plain on the subject. Had I been older, had I been greyer, had I been cankered and ground down and feasted off my own disappointments more.’

‘Careful, now.’

‘Or what? You’ll slam the table? Mill me down? Teach me, Francis. Teach me your secret ways of rejoicing. Teach me what it is to impress Saint Francis of Banbridge.’

‘….’

‘Where is Jopson with that lamp?’

‘Leave it, James, you’ve made it plain enough you’re hardly pressing your nose to the window for a glimpse of me.’

‘Francis, you might prefer to snipe and glower in the dark, but if we are to dispute I want to see you plain and see you whole. I’m getting some light.’

‘…’

‘Oh, con _found_ it.’

‘James - ’

‘Don’t trouble yourself, I tripped. It’s darker than _Hades_ in here.’

‘Look, will you just – Jopson will - ’

‘It’s stuck.’

‘…What?’

‘The door. It’s stuck.’

‘What d’you mean?’

‘Just what I say. I can’t – it isn’t moving.’

‘Put your shoulder into it.’

‘I don’t want to break your door down, Francis, I’m not giving your joiner more work than need be, I just need to - ’

‘- Don’t flatter yourself, your shoulder’s not denting any door on this ship, she’s been to the Arctic twice more than you - ’

‘ – And should therefore be treated with less despite, wouldn’t you agree?’

‘It’s hardly despite to want a door to open as well as shut - ’

‘- and besides, holding your years over my head is a particularly paltry form of caste system, Francis.’

‘They’re not just my years I hold over your head, James.’

‘…’

‘Don’t rattle the knob like that, what use do you think that’ll be?’

‘Well, _you_ try, then.’

‘Very well.…Oh, the - ’

‘Francis, are you - ’

‘Yes, yes, I’m fine, I tripped, let me just - ’

‘…’

‘….’

‘Yes, it’s stuck.’

‘I _did_ tell you.’

‘It feels – is there something stuck under the knob?’

‘I don’t feel anything - ’

‘On the other side of the door.’

‘… You think Jopson … what? Wedged something beneath the doorknob?’

‘No! Not Jopson, necessarily.’

‘Not Jopson necessarily? How long is the list of candidates?’

‘…Look, if I move the knob one way, it simply won’t budge, it - ’

‘Oh, you’ve been endearing yourself with a liberal hand on this ship, haven’t you, Francis?’

‘We don’t all of us need to be liked every minute of every day to draw breath, James.’

‘We don’t all of us need to be _dis_ liked, either, Francis.’

‘I do quite well enough left to my own devices, thank you, James. And why would you think Jopson would trap me in here with you?’

‘You? _You_ trapped? Oh, that’s rich.’

‘You trapped, then, here with me. Why would he?’

‘I said the door was stuck, I never said it was intentional. It’s your mind that leapt to conspiracies and knives in the shadows. As usual.’

‘As usual.’

‘You ought to have a whistle and an alarm bell sewn to your lips. Might spare the decanter too.’

‘What would you suggest, then? A Bible in the one hand and a blindfold in the other?’

‘We’ve all but found the Passage - ’

‘Oh, ‘all but’. That’s why we’re here now, is it, ‘all but’? We’ve ‘all but’ found the Passage, and we’ll ‘all but’ survive. I give you comfort of your ‘all but’, James, when you’ve no food to eat and no teeth to eat it with and you’re half-mad and your body’s feeding on itself. Your ‘all but’ will season the meal finely.’

‘…Francis, I…’

‘Ach, I’ll hear no more of your blether. Make yourself useful, you and your ‘all but’. There used to be a box of lucifers here somewhere. Take your ‘all but’ and see if you can find them. Not ‘all but’ find them, but find them.’

‘….Yes. Very well.’

‘….what the _deuce_ -?’

‘I’m sorry, I was looking for the matches!’

‘Well, _that’s_ not where I keep them.’

‘No, I know, I didn’t know you were - ’

‘Well, I am.’

‘No, I know that _now_ , you can’t think I set out to _maul_ you - ’

‘Of course not, you’d need to wash your _gloves_ out - ’

‘I’m not wearing gloves, as you very well know - ’

‘I do know, thank you, I just had confirmation on my - ’

‘Yes, very _well_ , I a _pol_ ogised - ’

‘- and you know I’ve not got the lucifers there now - ’

‘Yes, all _right_ \- ’

‘After a most _thorough_ inspection - ’

‘It was a passing graze at _most_ , Francis, don’t be missish - ’

‘So if you’ve satisfied yourself - ’

‘Oh, don’t flatter yourself - ’

‘Then take your hand off me.’

‘With pleasure.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…In your own time, Commander Fitzjames.’

‘All right, all right, I’ve let _go_ now.’

‘… Look, let me just – agh!’

‘Francis, are you - ’

‘…yes, yes, I just – tripped, blasted - ’

‘Here, steady as she goes, just - ’

‘I’m fine, I - ’

‘Here, don’t, you’ll - ’

‘ ‘Ware! Careful now.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Are you…’

‘Yes, I’ve ... I have the berthrail.’

‘Good. Good.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Are you…’

‘Yes, I have… the shelf, I think, I’m – ow!’

‘Watch your head, don’t want you - ’

‘Yes, yes, quite right, thanks, I’ll – ‘

‘Ouf!’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t – Francis, are you - ’

‘Yes. I’m … all right, yes.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to crowd you, I’ll move - ’

‘No!’

‘…’

‘Don’t want you… hurting yourself.’

‘No.’

‘Knocking your head on the shelf again.’

‘No, no. I’ll just…’

‘Yes. Yes.’

‘You don’t - ’

‘No. No.’

‘And you’re – you’re steady now?’

‘Yes, yes, thank you. And yourself?’

‘Yes, yes. Thank you.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘I…I suppose I should… let go, then.’

‘…Yes.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘I suppose I…I should too.’

‘…Yes.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘I’ll… I’m letting go. Now.’

‘Yes. Yes, good.’

‘…’

‘Hhhhhh.’

‘James, are you – hng.’

‘M – my apologies, I didn’t - ’

‘A – are you all right?’

‘Yes, I’m – I’m sensitive. Th-there. So when you…’

‘When I - ’

‘Hhhhhh, yes, that.’

‘Sorry, I’ll not - ’

‘No, that’s not - ’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘I’m – my apologies for clutching at you, Francis.’

‘No, I – I was startled, but - ’

‘Yes, of course, I’ll - ’

‘No, you don’t have to - ‘

‘…’

‘Just…startled.’

‘Yes.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘I don’t…keep the matches…there, either.’

‘…No. No, of course not.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…Quite a grip you have, there.’

‘Sorry, I’ll - ’

‘No. No. You’d – you’d have put quite the dent in the door if you’d shouldered it.’

‘Well - ’

‘Best you didn’t, all told.’

‘No. I mean, yes. Good … good thing I didn’t.’

‘…’

‘…Perhaps…now that I know where the shelf is, if you could…hold still, Francis, let me …feel along…’

‘All right. I’ve… I have you.’

‘…Yes. Thank you.’

‘…’

‘… I think that’s the edge – there!’

‘Do you have - ’

‘I do! It’s a box, it feels about right, let me just – oh, Hell and _Death_!’

‘What?’

‘The box. It’s fallen to the floor. Let me just – agh!’

‘James! James, what have you - ’

‘Misjudged… the… angle. Knocked my head against the confounded thing. Very well, let me just –.’

‘Does it hurt? Your head?’

‘Oh, well, it smarts, you know the sort of – _oh_.’

‘Where?’

‘…’

‘James?’

‘…L-lower a bit.’

‘There?’

‘A – right? A little?’

‘There?’

‘ _Ohhhhh_.’

‘Yes?’

‘Yes. Yes.’

‘Better?’

‘ _…yessss_.’

‘Yes?’

‘…yes. Ahem … yes.’

‘…Yes. Good. Right.’

‘… let me just.. it can’t have fallen far… if I just… slide it with my foot…’

‘There, I think it’s by my - ’

‘-Bend down, easy – agh!’

‘Agh!’

‘Francis, are you - ’

‘..yes, yes. Fine. Us Micks have hard heads.’

‘Let me see.’

‘…No.’

‘Francis.’

‘No.’

‘It’s a simple matter, you provided me relief instants ago - ’

‘No, I said.’

‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, Francis, there’s no need to play at - ’

‘- I’m not _playing_ at - ’

‘- the Stoic who’s above - ’

‘_ I never said I was _above_ \- ’

‘Human aid and comfort - ’

‘James, there’s no need to – _hhhh_.’

‘There. That’s better, isn’t it?’

‘…’

‘… Isn’t it?’

‘… I …’

‘… What was that?’

‘…’

‘Francis?’

‘…’

‘Francis, you hit your head, now’s no time for silences.’

‘… _I’m_ …’

‘Francis, the fiend seize it, I can’t see your face, I’ll just have to – _mmph_.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Oh – oh God, James, I didn’t mean to – _mm_.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Francis, is this - ’

‘Yes, Christ, _yes_ , come _here_.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Mm – agh!’

‘James, are you - ’

‘No, it’s – my head, it’s still – when you pull my hair there, it - ’

‘Sorry, I -’

‘Again.’

‘…’

‘Do it again.’

‘…Like this?’

‘Hhhhhh….yes.’

‘Like this?’

‘ _Yessss_.’

‘ _Good_.’

‘…’

‘… what the _devil_ is this around your neck?’

‘It’s my cravat, Francis, what are you - ’

‘I need – Christ, what have you _done_ with - ’

‘It’s a – nngghhh – perfectly ordinary tie, let me - ’

‘Well, it’s for the midden now.’

‘… Did you … _rip_ it?’

‘… You have others, don’t pretend.’

‘You couldn’t … know – mmmnnn.’

‘Whisht … your … mmm … complaining.’

‘You … oh, yes, _there_ … you … mmm… brute…’

‘… Christ, your _neck_ \- ’

‘Hhhhh – aggghhh - ’

‘James – James?’

‘Sh – sharp … teeth.’

‘… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t – hnnn.’

‘… Harder.’

‘…’

‘I want – mmm – marks … tomorrow.’

‘… _Christ_.’

‘Yes, like – _ohhh_.’

‘James – _hhhhh_.’

‘Need – _closer_ \- ’

‘We – agh!’

‘Francis?’

‘It – my knees, they’re - ’

‘… right, up.’

‘Up wh - ’

‘Table, come on, up with you - ’

‘Careful, careful now - ’

‘I think it’s … yes, here – agh!’

‘James!’

‘It’s nothing, my – banged my shin.’

‘James - ’

‘Come on, come on, between my legs, come on - ’

‘Ja – hhhhh - ’

‘Mmmmmm.’

‘ _Oh_.’

‘Yes, _ohhh_ yes, closer, closer, come on - ’

‘James – _tssss_.’

‘Francis?’

‘… Hands. C-cold.’

‘… Yes. Yes, that won’t do.’

‘… mmph?’

‘Open up.’

‘Mmm?’

‘Your mouth, Francis. Warm my fingers up.’

‘… _mmmphm_.’

‘… _Ohhhh_. Oh, _Fran_ cis.’

‘ _mmmmmmm._ ’

‘Yes, yes, that’s right, get it good and wet, you know where it’s going, don’t you?’

‘ _Mmmmmm_.’

‘Hhhhh – heaven and _earth_ , you’re good at this. Yes, _yes_ , like that, yes.’

‘ _Mmmmmm_.’

‘And now … there we – _oh_.’

‘Ja- _ahhhhhhhhh_.’

‘… Well, your ill temper is even more baffling to me now.’

‘Wh – what do – ah, Christ.’

‘A man … with _that_ … between his legs … has no business … being anything but happy.’

‘James – Ja-mmmmm - ’

‘- Though I suppose … I’d not trouble … to develop … arts and graces … if I had … _this_ … to commend me…’

‘James, _James_ \- ’

‘God, I could – take you between my thighs – _hhhh_ – like a weaver and her distaff – mmph!’

‘Stop … talking…’

‘-mmm – why?’

‘Your … _voice_ …’

‘… Are you certain it’s politic to … offend the man … with your cock in his – _mmm_ ’.

‘You’ll make … me … _spend_ … you … prideful … little …. _Hhhnng_.’

‘… Careful …’

‘James, _God_ \- ’

‘… Francis, I want – let me up, I want - ‘

‘ – What – James?

‘Here, sit – sit down, here, I need - ’

‘James, for God’s sake, where are you – ohhhh _God_.’

‘ _Mmmmnnnnnn_.’

‘James, you don’t have to - ’

‘You wanted … to silence … me…’

‘That’s - James, Christ alive, your _mouth_ \- God, if I could see you now …’

‘… mmmm …’

‘Hhhhhh – s-sorry, sorry - ’

‘… Why?’

‘Are you – _nnngghhhh_.’

‘Harder.’

‘… _Christ_.’

‘I can _take_ it, Francis.’

‘… James …’

‘You won’t – hurt me, Francis.’

‘Ja-mmmmmmm - ’

‘…. _Hhhmmmmmmmm_ …’

‘James, _James_ \- ’

‘….’

‘James, I’m going to - ’

‘mmmmmm …’

‘James, I will, I’m going to – _ahhhhhh_.’

‘….’

‘ _Hhhhhhh_ …’

‘Mmmm. Let’s – put you away, then - ’

‘… Just … come … come up here.’

‘Francis, what – _mmmmm_.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘… You taste of me.’

‘… Yes. Something … of an … inevitability.’

‘Mmm.’

‘… mmm … Considering … _hhhh_.’

‘…You’re – stiff as a – board…’

‘Hhhh – again, something – ohhh – of an inevitability – hhhhh.’

‘… Your _voice_ …’

‘… ahem … that, too, is – something of an … inevita … bility …’

‘Mmmmm ...’

‘After such … ex … ertions…’

‘Mm-hmm …’

‘ _Ffff_ – Francis, _Francis_ \- ’

‘Ssssshhh, lamb, shhhhh, come on now, come on - ’

‘Francis, Fran – _cis_ \- ’

‘ – Like that, yes, come now, there, let it - ’

‘ _Fraaannncissss_.’

‘… _There_.’

‘… _hhhhh._ ’

‘…’

‘… mmmphm?’

‘… Clean up … my fingers …’

‘… mmmm …’

‘… Jaysus, that’s – oh God - ’

‘…’

‘… James, James – Christ, your _mouth_ – stop, I can’t - ’

‘… mmmmnmmm …’

‘- so soon after, I can’t – saints alive, man, I - ’

‘Captain?’

‘…’

‘…’

‘… That wasn’t me, Francis.’

‘… Jopson?’

‘Captain, I have your light, but the door seems stuck, sir.’

‘… Yes.’

‘Yes, that’s right. Stuck.’

‘We’ve … yes, that’s why – that’s what we have been waiting … for.’

‘I can get it open, sirs. I’ll come in, shall I?’

‘No!’

‘No!’

‘We’ll … we’ll come to you, Jopson.’

‘We’re finished now.’

.’… Yes, quite finished.’

‘…’

‘… Very well, let’s … put you back in …’

‘… Thanks.’

‘And … Francis?’

‘Hmmm?’

‘This might be quicker if you lifted your hand.’

‘… That it would.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘… In your own time, Captain Crozier.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Sorry.’

‘… Think nothing of it.’

‘… Yes.’

‘…’

‘… ahem … do you … will you … I’ll have a gig put to for you.’

‘If it’s not too much trouble.’

‘No trouble at all.’

‘So kind.’

‘Jopson, Commander Fitzjames’ll be needing a boat to take him back to _Erebus_.’

‘I’ll let them know below-decks, sirs.’

‘I’ll wish you good-night then, Francis. Untroubled slumbers, and dream on the event.’

‘…’

‘Why, we’ve all but found the Passage, man.’

‘…’

‘Lead on, Jopson.’

* * *

‘Captain, they found this cloth on the floor. Looks like a cravat, sir – Captain?’

‘… A cravat?’

‘Badly torn, I’m afraid. I’ll throw it away, then, shall I?’

‘No!’

‘…’

‘I’ll … I have a use for it.’

‘Sir?’

‘Leave it.’

‘Sir?’

‘Leave it.’

‘I can find out whose it is, sir - ’

‘Leave. It.’

‘… Sir.’


	2. Chapter 2

‘Bridgens, could we try the silk-bristle brush?’

‘Of course, sir, but – if I may say, sir – your hair is already looking exceptionally well.’

‘D’you think so?’

‘I do indeed, sir.’

‘Well, I shall let it alone, then.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘It wouldn’t do to look too particular, after all.’

‘Too particular for what purpose, sir?’

‘No purpose!’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘No particular purpose at all.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘No particular _object_ at all.’

‘… Very good, sir.’

‘My boots, Mr Bridgens.’

‘Sir?’

‘Do you think they’re up to snuff?’

‘They’re very fine, sir. Would you like me to polish them again?’

‘Oh, no. No. No, it’s only dinner with the Terrors.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘I wouldn’t expect him to notice.’

‘Him, sir?’

‘Them. I meant them.’

‘…Sir.’

‘No reason for any especial attention.’

‘I’m sure if _you_ think there is, sir…’

‘Oh, I don’t.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘None at all.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘My hair, Bridgens.’

‘Sir?’

‘I worry that I look … over-tended.’

‘Over-tended, sir?’

‘It doesn’t do to let standards slip, of course, but … do I look as though I’m making rather too much of an effort?’

‘…’Too much of an effort’ is perhaps a relative term, sir.’

‘Too much for me, then.’

‘…What would be a merely adequate amount, sir?’

‘It wouldn’t do to suggest that I were placing undue emphasis upon…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…Sir?’

‘I wouldn’t wish to create the impression that I were making any particular effort, you understand.’

‘I’m sure he won’t take it so, sir.’

‘He?’

‘They, sir.’

‘…Yes. The wardroom, Bridgens. One does wish to set the _right_ example.’

‘You need have no fear on that score, sir.’

‘Thank you, Bridgens, you’re a comfort to me.’

‘You are always welcome, sir.’

‘Perhaps one more pass with the silk-hair brush, Bridgens.’

‘Of course, sir.’

‘One doesn’t wish to look slovenly, either.’

‘No, sir.’

‘For - ’

‘The wardroom, sir, yes, sir.’

‘And maybe a quick buff and shine for the boots, Bridgens.’

‘I shall attend to it immediately, sir.’

‘… Are you using the boot-blacking with the champagne, Bridgens?’

‘Yes, sir. I thought the occasion might call for it.’

‘…’

‘Would you rather I didn’t, sir?’

‘…No. Carry on. Good thinking, Bridgens.’

‘Thank you, sir.’

* * *

‘James, are you feeling quite up to dick?’

‘…Yes, of course, Sir John. Why do you ask?’

‘You were almost entirely silent at dinner.’

‘Oh, surely not.’

‘I can assure you, you were. And without wishing to make a point of it, that is a somewhat unusual occurrence.’

‘I was making no particular effort to be silent, Sir John.’

‘No?’

‘No particular effort at all.’

‘Well, Francis noticed.’

‘Did h – that is to say, I … didn’t notice any particular … regard … from Francis, Sir John.’

‘Well, you wouldn’t. You barely vouchsafed him a single glance all dinner.’

‘I … was not aware… that I ought to show … anyone … any … singular … attention.’

‘Or a singular _lack_ thereof?’

‘…’

‘I wouldn’t remark it, except that he barely looked at you either.’

‘… Did he not. Well, that’s … capital.’

‘Now, James, you know you can come to me about this. What has occurred between you and Francis?’

‘Nothing!’

‘James.’

‘Nothing of significance.’

‘James, if you have been exchanging words out of season with my Second, I ought to know about it.’

‘No … words, Sir John. No words out of season.’

‘I have said this before, James, but I want you to open your heart to loving that man.’

‘That might take more doing than is worthy of the task, Sir John.’

‘Nonsense. Grapple him to your bosom.’

‘I shall obey if you insist, Sir John.’

‘With hoops of steel.’

‘…Yes, Sir John.’

* * *

‘I understand that you are to dine with the Terrors again, Commander.’

‘Yes, Bridgens. Poor Sir John, shedding the light of his affection on that uncaring lump.’

‘Now, sir - ’

‘Not that I care, of course.’

‘No, sir.’

‘It’s only that it does so enrage a man to see all one’s efforts met with – oh dear God, a repudiation would be one thing, something to grapple with, but this - !’

‘…Sir.’

‘Not _my_ efforts, you understand.’

‘No, sir.’

‘Good Sir John’s.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘I personally have expended only such efforts in that direction as I have ever been instructed to.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘No others at all.’

‘No, sir.’

‘None whatever.’

‘No, sir. Would you like me to use the silk-haired brush, sir?’

‘No. No, there’s no occasion to.’

‘No, sir.’

‘Not that there was before, either.’

‘No, sir?’

‘No especial occasion.’

‘No, sir.’

‘And I was no making no especial effort.’

‘No, sir.’

‘Then or now.’

‘No, sir.’

‘Not that it matters.’

‘No, sir.’

‘…Perhaps one quick pass with the brush.’

‘Of course, sir.’

‘The ship might be called the Terror, but there’s no reason for my hair to be a terror, eh, Bridgens?’

‘Very droll, sir.’

* * *

‘Thank Mr. Diggle for us, Francis. Tell him yes to the bouillon, but a little easier on the hollandaise.’

‘I’ll let him know, Sir John.’

‘I’ll … take your leave then as well, Francis.’

‘…Yes. Good night, James.’

‘Good night, Francis.’

‘Oh, James will stay.’

‘… I beg your pardon, Sir John?’

‘Yes, you’ll want to look over the ice reports.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Retrospectively.’

‘With all due honour, Sir John, that hardly seems…’

‘Francis, James, a word?’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Now, the men and I can tolerate a little sniping in good humour. The nights are long and we all fancy a little theatre with our dinner.’

‘…Theatre?’

‘But the silence, gentlemen, the silence is oppressive. It is bad for morale, and I have no intention of fostering it longer than I need.’

‘Sir John, I’ve never stopped James from - ’

‘I am making no particular effort not to - ’

‘So, James, you and Francis are to discuss, dispute, have a good Durbar until you see reason. Is that clear?’

‘Am I … forbidden _Erebus_ … until I have … Sir John, what am I to do here, precisely?’

‘It’ll come to you, James. I have every confidence in you.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Now this may seem harsh, but I must do as Our Father did when his children disputed.’

‘… Cain and Abel?’

‘Those were _Adam’s_ children, _Francis_.’

‘Enough. Francis is quite correct, I ought to have selected my text more happily. But my point stands. You are welcome back on _Erebus_ tomorrow, James. I intend for you to have this out with each other.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘And I trust that on your return you will have found a measure of satisfaction.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Now, mustn’t keep Mr. Ridgen waiting. I leave James in your capable hands, Francis. Tend to him.’

‘…’

‘And James, remember what I said.’

‘Yes, Sir John.’

‘To your bosom, James.’

‘I remember well, Sir John.’

* * *

‘…’

‘…’

‘…So.’

‘So.’

‘You’d better sit down, I suppose.’

‘As graceful an invitation as ever, Francis.’

‘I’d be a sight more graceful if I’d actually _invited_ you, James.’

‘That _would_ be a wonder to behold.’

‘What would? My being graceful, or my inviting you to stay?’

‘Both.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘… What are we meant to _do,_ James?’

‘I haven’t a notion. Resolve our differences.’

‘By doing what, James?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘… But of one thing I am certain, Francis. He didn’t intend for us to sit and glower at each other in perfect silence.’

‘It’s not _my_ silence he objected to, James.’

‘… You noticed? Ahem. That is – you noticed.’

‘Hard not to.’

‘… Yes. Yes, of course.’

‘Like when the ship’s timbers stop creaking.’

‘Yes, all _right,_ Francis.’

‘If I’d known that was all I needed to do to get you to - ’

‘Yes?’

‘Nothing.’

‘If you had known that _what_ was all you needed to do, Francis?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Francis, are you labouring under the misapprehension that what … transpired … has led to my … indisposition?’

‘… No.’

‘No. Good. Because nothing could be farther from the truth.’

‘Of course.’

‘Nothing at all.’

‘All _right_ , James, I under-’

‘We had a quick tumble, under the influence of … winter, and strong drink, and had a … momentary … lapse … of concentration.’

‘… Momentary. Yes.’

‘An understandable slip, such as occurs every day.’

‘…Does it.’

‘Yes.’

‘You’ve … experience … with such … lapses before, then, James.’

‘… Of course.’

‘… I see.’

‘As have you, surely, Francis.’

‘…’

‘Anyhow, a minor slip which has had no effect on my faculties at all.’

‘… No. No, of course not.’

‘As, clearly, it has not on yours.’

‘No? … no! No.’

‘Capital.’

‘Good.’

‘You’re clearly in fine fettle.’

‘…Thank you, James.’

‘As fine as can be expected, I suppose.’

‘…’

‘And, since you noticeably repine for my stories at dinnertime, I shall make you free of them. With interest.’

‘Oh, God.’

‘And I counsel you to learn to simulate enjoyment, Francis, because elsewise I suspect I’ll be your guest a while longer.’

‘…’

‘Well, we have a plan of attack, I suppose. Well, _I_ have a plan of attack, I and I alone. Capital work, Francis.’

‘…’

‘May I trouble you for a glass of your Kilbeggan?’

‘My Kilbeggan? Why?’

‘My God, Francis, do you intend to send me back to _Erebus_ with dry lips?’

‘No! You’ve never asked for the whiskey before, that’s all.’

‘Well, you lower the stuff like a midwife her _aqua vitae_ , and I suppose I’m curious. Now if you’ll - ’

‘Here, let me – agh!’

‘What? _What_?!?’

‘Your _hand_ \- ’

‘…I was reaching for the decanter, Francis.’

‘…No, I know that, I was - ’

‘Shying like a nervous filly in high traffic? For God’s _sake_ , Francis.’

‘I was – you startled me.’

‘What did you think I was about to _do_ , precisely?’

‘I wasn’t - ’

‘Stop looking at me like a – a debutante left alone with a rakehell, Francis.’

‘I’m not, I - ’

‘Let me reassure you – again – that I have no. Designs. On your virtue.’

‘You’ve made that painfully clear, thank you, James.’

‘Painfully?’

‘… Plentifully. Plentifully clear.’

‘Are you certain?’

‘ _Yes_ , James. You want none of me. I’m … I’m certain.’

‘…I would still like the Kilbeggan.’

‘Yes.’

‘…So if you would be so good as to hand it to me…’

‘…Yes. Yes, of course. Here, hold out your hand – _hhhh_.’

‘ _Oh_.’

‘James - ’

‘Francis - ’

‘Ja-mmmph!’

‘…Francis, oh God, I didn’t – are you -’

‘Yes, Christ, _yes_ , come _back_ , where are you - ’

‘I thought you didn’t want - ’

‘I _didn’t_.’

‘Oh. Yes. My apol - ’

‘I didn’t, but I – and then you – you – for God’s sake come here, man, just - ’

‘Are you cert – _ohhhhh_.’

‘I want – Christ, your _neck_ \- ’

‘Mmmmmm, yes, there, oh, Francis – _notthecravat_!’

‘What? _What_?’

‘You’ll … rip it … again.’

‘It’s in the _way_ again.’

‘Let me - ’

‘What do you _do_ with the cursed things anyway?’

‘Here, just … oh, yes, _there, oh_.’

‘…You’ll … never get it undone … _that_ way, James.’

‘I can’t – you’re … distracting me…’

‘Mmmmmmm?’

‘Mmm – hhhhhhh…’

‘You can’t … untie your cravat … with your hands … in my hair, James…’

‘I … it’s so _soft_ …’

‘The cravat?’

‘Your _hair_ , you _peawit_. I thought I must have dreamed it, but it’s - ’

‘ – Christ, James - ’

‘ – Like silk…’

‘Mmmm…’

‘Hhhhh, yes, _oh_ \- ’

‘James, I want - ’

‘Yes, yes - ’

‘I’ll need to … take it off …’

‘… I – mmm …’

‘The cravat, man…’

‘… Yes. Yes, all right, yes, have at it, you brute.’

‘Jaysus, _thank_ you.’

‘It’s … you tore it in _half_.’

‘… So I did.’

’… Was that … strictly … hnnn … necessary?’

‘Mmmmmmm…’

‘…Yes, hhhhh, yes I … suppose it was…’

‘Christ, James, your _neck_ …’

‘Mmmmm…’

‘There’s a – there’s a mark …’

‘Hmmm?’

‘Here. A mark.’

‘Yes. Yes, that’s … that’s from … before.’

‘Bef – you mean…’

‘Yes, I mean. What else would I mean, Francis?’

‘A lapse of concentration, you said.’

‘… What?

‘A lapse of concentration such as occurs daily.’

‘… _What_?’

‘You said … you said you’d had experience with such … lapses.’

‘…Oh. Yes. Well.’

‘So…’

‘Well, as it so happens, Francis, you were … the most _recent_ … lapse.’

‘…’

‘I haven’t had the … occasion.’

‘For how long?’

‘I – I don’t see how that’s any concern …nnnmmmm…’

‘For … how … long?’

‘… I have … matters of greater … import to attend – stop _grinning_ like that.’

‘No lapses. Save for me. You’ve been concentrating then, have you, lad?’

‘…Right, I’m leaving.’

‘No, you’re not.’

‘Francis, let me go – _ohhh_.’

‘It’s too late … for a gig…’

‘Nnnnn … I’ll … I’ll _swim_ back to _Erebus_ if I have to - ’

‘And Sir John’ll make you swim back.’

‘No, he – mmmm…’

‘I promised Sir John I’d … satisfy … you…’

‘That isn’t what he … mmm – meant …’

‘It’s faded.’

‘Mmmmm?’

‘The mark. On your neck. It’s nearly gone.’

‘They tend to do that, Francis.’

‘They?’

‘You left a few…’

‘…I did?’

‘Here…’

‘Hhhhhh….’

‘And here …’

‘Ohhhh…’

‘And here…’

‘James…’

‘All gone.’

‘…Why?’

‘Marks fade, Francis, after a fortnight.’

‘Even _this_?’

‘Hhhhhh … oh, that – I give that … poor thing … two days…’

‘And _this_?’

‘A seven-night … at the out … side ... agh!’

‘James, are you - ’

‘A fortnight, Francis. A fortnight is the longest I can … keep you …’

‘Oh, _Christ_ …’

‘On my skin…’

‘James, _God_ …’

‘Yes, like – oh, yes, _yes_ …’

‘Mmmmmm…’

‘Francis, I need – ‘

‘James, what – _ahhhhhh_.’

‘I want to … see you…’

‘Ja-aaaysus, ahhh…’

‘I thought I’d … imagined this … as well…’

‘Hhhh…’

‘This … Leviathan … of a thing …’

‘Tsss…’

‘Look at you, you – ahhhhh, Francis - ’

‘Let me … get a look at you …too …’

‘… hhh… Look your … fill…’

‘…’

‘… Well?’

‘…’

‘Well, Francis?’

‘…’

‘It’s cold, I may not show to best – hhhh.’

‘It’s like you.’

‘What do you – oh, _ohh_ …’

‘It’s … it’s so … Christ, James…mmmphm’

‘Hhhhh…’

‘Mmmmm…’

‘Francis – Francis, I want - ’

‘-What? James, what - ’

‘I need – Francis, do you have something?’

‘… Something?’

‘Oil, Francis.’

‘…’

‘To ease the way.’

‘… The way where?’

‘Oh, for the love of – to ease the way for your cock, Francis.’

‘…’

‘In my arse, for preference.’

‘… _Oh_.’

‘Do you have … _nothing_ … that could … help you … slip inside me?’

‘Oh, _God_ …’

‘Nothing at all…’

‘Ahhhh….’

‘That would ready me … for that … hulking …’

‘James…’

‘…Great…’

‘Christ…’

‘Brute of a thing?’

‘James – saints, James – what – where are you going?!?’

‘Think, Francis.’

‘… Think _what_?’

‘Oil, Francis. An emolument. Something.’

‘… You cannot be in earnest.’

‘I am in deadly earnest, Francis. Since you seem to have difficulty concentrating, let me assist you by removing a distraction.’

‘A distraction?!?’

‘You seemed to have difficulty thinking with my hand on your prick.’

‘James - ’

‘Oil, Francis. Concentrate.’

‘Jaysus, man.’

‘… Well?’

‘No! Jesus, no!’

‘N – well, why _not_ , in heaven’s name?’

‘I didn’t – this wasn’t meant to - ’

‘Wasn’t meant to what?’

‘You wouldn’t even look at me! All dinner!’

‘Neither would you!’

‘Oh, how would you know, James?’

‘Sir John told me.’

‘Ugh. I’ll thank you not to take his name with - ’

‘- Your cock in my hand?’

‘hhhh – yes … that…’

‘It seems … unflagging …’

‘Christ, James…’

‘Somewhat … worryingly …’

‘ahhhh….’

‘Even with … the mention … of Sir John…’

‘Christ, stop talking…’

‘Make m – mmmmmmm….’

‘Hhhhhh…’

‘Well, since my host is so … mmm … improvident …’

‘Ja – mmmmm…’

‘I suppose I must … make do…’

‘I don’t … what do – James, what - ’

‘Your hand … give it to me, here, I want - ’

‘Are you – oh, Christ, James, your _mouth_ …’

‘Mnnnnnnmmmm…’

‘Ah, God, that’s - ’

‘We need … to get them … good and wet …’

‘Do we?’

‘We do – mmmmmmphhhhmmm.’

‘Get me wet, then. Go on, lad…’

‘Mmmmm….’

‘Christ, you’re good at this. So good, _alainn_ , if you could see - ’

‘Nnnmnnnnn…’

‘… James, I – is this – d’you have what you need, man? Because I - ’

‘… Here. Turn – turn me around…’

‘What – ah Christ.’

‘Take your hand … Between my legs, here…’

‘… Here? Ah, _God_.’

‘Yes, like that, my … hhh … my thighs … get me wet… and then you can …’

‘…Yes. This … part I know.’

‘You –‘

‘Girls … they like to … do it this way. When they don’t want to get in trouble.’

‘… _Which_ girls?’

‘…’

‘Miss Cracroft?’

‘You will not - ’

‘Of course Miss Prunes and Prisms permitted – mmmmnnnmmm…’

‘You’ll need … to get my hand … wetter …’

‘Mmmmmmm….’

‘Like that … further back …’

‘Mmmmmnnnnnnnnn…’

‘Oh, you are hungry, aren’t you, lad?’

‘Mmmmmffffmmmmmm…’

‘Keck on them, boyo. Choke for me. Sweet boy. Lovely boy.’ 

‘Mmmmnnnn!’

‘… There. They’re dripping, that’ll do nicely. Your legs, now. Spread them for me, sweet.’

‘… Hhhhhh, is this … _ohhh_.’

‘Nnnn … and now … together…’

‘…Like – like this?’

‘… Ahhh yes, yes … tighter. Squeeze me like you would if - ’

‘Hhhhh – if you were … inside?’

‘… I … ohhh …’

‘You wouldn’t … say that … if you’d ever been … in me…’

‘James, Christ…’

‘I’d hold you … tighter …’

‘Oh, _God_ …’

‘Suck you in…’

‘James, _James_ …’

‘So hot and close around you, you’d – _mmmmm_.’

‘James, that mouth, _Christ_ …’

‘Mmmmnnnmnnn…’

‘Suck on … my fingers … instead …’

‘Nnnnnnmmmm…’

‘Saints, James, you feel – if you only - ’

‘Mmmmnnnnggghhh – Francis, touch me, touch me…’

‘Yes, yes, sweet, yes, here - ’

‘Nnnnnggggghhhhhhh…’

‘Like that?’

‘Oh, oh, God…’

‘Yes?’

‘… ohhhhh….’

‘Yes?’

‘Yes, Francis, yes, yes, more, I, please …’

‘This?’

‘I, Francis, your hand, I want…’

‘… This?’

‘No, your other hand, here, please, I need -’

‘Anything, l – oh, oh _God_.’

‘Mmmmmmm….’

‘… Yes, Christ, yes, all the way back, swallow them, get them wet - ’

‘Mmmhhhmmmmm…’

‘Greedy … little … mouth …’

‘Mmmfgnnnnmmm…’

‘You need it, don’t you, boyo?’

‘Hhhhh….’

‘Leaking like you took a harpoon to yourself, look at you, look at you…’

‘Mmmmmnnhnnnn…’

‘You need to be full…’

‘Mmmmmmmmnnnnnmmm…’

‘I will next time, I’ll stuff you full, full to bursting, lad…’

‘Mmmmmpppphhhhmmm….’

‘Fill you … everywhere …’

‘Mmmmm – Fffffff – Francis, Francis, Fran -nnnnnnmmmmmnmnnnnn!’

‘There, there, that’s it, I have you, I have you - ’

‘Francis, Frannnn … _cis_ ….’

‘Come away now, come on now, lamb, come on, for me, for me… _there_.’

‘ _Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_ … Fra – hhhh – _Francis_ …’

‘Shhhhh, sssshhh, so good, you did so well…’

‘… hhh … hhh… your … turn …’

‘Yes, yes, are you - ’

‘Would it … help … if I … tightened my … grip …?’

‘Oh, _God_.’

‘Move … Francis …’

‘James, James, Christ, you feel - ’

‘You can – faster, you want to …’

‘ _James_ …’

‘Yes, yes, you can, come on, come on…’

‘James, I’m going to - ’

‘Yes, come on, yes, let go, you want to, come now, you do, you – _ohhh_.’

‘… Jaaaysus.’

‘…mm…’

‘hhh … hhh … hhh…’

‘We need to … clean up…’

‘Mmmm … use this.’

‘It – Francis, is that my cravat?!?’

‘… It’s … _half_ your cravat.’

‘…’

‘.. Ah, you were never going to use it now, the thing’s ruined.’

‘After _you_ tore it in half.’

‘It was in the way.’

‘… I’d say you owe me another, but from what I’ve seen of your wardrobe that’s a debt I’d rather forg – mmmph.’

‘… Whisht your complaining.’

‘Easy for you to say. You’re not sacrificing a small pension in clothing to these … adventures.’

‘If that’s your way of saying you squander your wages on your fripperies, I agree - ’

‘And all for a man who can’t take even the most modest pains of a host.’

‘… Is this about the Kilbeggan again?’

‘The Kilbeggan, yes. There is also the small matter of the oil, Francis. Or rather the lack of oil. _Francis_.’

‘… For the last time, James, I didn’t know I’d – I didn’t know _you’d_ \- ’

‘Clearly.’

‘Well, next ti – ahem.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…Yes. Well.’

‘… Well.’

‘Ahem. Well. Clearly, Francis, there won’t be a … time after … this one.’

‘… Clearly.’

‘This was a - ’

‘ - Momentary lapse of concentration.’

‘…Yes.’

‘… Such as … frequently occurs.’

‘…Yes. And is, therefore, not to be repeated.’

‘…Yes.’

‘…Yes. Good.’

‘Good.’

‘I’m … glad you agree, Francis.’

‘I do, James.’

‘Good.’

‘Good.’

‘Good.’

‘Good.’

‘I’m glad you agree, Francis.’

‘You … said that before …’

‘…Did I?’

‘You did…’

‘… Well, sound thoughts bear … repetition …’

‘… Do they?’

‘Mmmmmm.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘In fact, speaking of …’

‘Mmmm?’

‘… Repetition…’

‘…Yes?’

‘I think we – Francis, I want - ’

‘Yes, God yes, I thought you’d never - ’

* * *

‘…Arrah, where would I be getting oil now?’

‘You said … you’d have oil … next time…’

‘… James, for the love of mercy, man, that was a bare half an hour ago!’

‘And?’

‘And? And, you great omadhaun?!? Where else have I been at all at all in all that time save between your thighs?’

‘Where you may as well return, if all you’re good for is excuses – agh!’

‘Spalpeen.’

‘If you’re going … to insult me … hhhh … be man enough … to do it … in English …’

‘I thought you had the gift of tongues, boyo.’

‘Hnnnnnnh – and I am – hhhhhh – evidently not … the only … one…’

‘Mmmmmm….’

‘Oh, oh God, Francis, _Francis_ …’

* * *

‘Back off to _Erebus_ , then, Francis.’

‘… Yes. Good – safe travels, James.’

‘Shall we see you on _Erebus_ , Francis?’

‘For what purpose?’

‘A command dinner.’

‘…Oh.’

‘Well, shall we?’

‘You and Sir John?’

‘Yes, among others. Shall we?’

‘I’ve seen you twice now, in as many weeks.’

‘… Are we perennially to invite ourselves over to _Terror_ when we wish to see your face, then?’

‘It’s not _you_ doing the inviting, it’s Sir John.’

‘Because elsewise we’d never see you!’

‘I’ll come if I’m commanded.’

‘He doesn’t want your obedience, Francis. He – we – would rather have - ’

‘Have what?’

‘…Is … a measure of – of amity … such an unreasonable thing to wish of a Second?’

‘… In the circumstances, amity is a luxury only one of us can afford. Let it be Sir John.’

‘Really, Francis, this endless raging - ’

‘- I am not raging - ’

‘- Over a romantic disappointment - ’

‘… _What did you say_?’

‘… Miss Cracroft. I know-‘

‘- I know you know, James, you’ve made that abundantly clear - ’

‘- And I know that Sir John … regrets … what transpired.’

‘… Oh, of that I have no doubt. Regrets my ever having laid eyes on Sophia.’

‘Francis - ’

‘- regrets not that she said no, but that she would have said yes.’

‘If that is a comfort to you - ’

‘- a comfort? Nothing is a comfort, James, and that least of all. It’s the truth, and I know you’re not used to so vulgar a thing on _Erebus_ , but if you’re to puff your chest out and pretend you know anything about … anything …, then you should know that.’

‘… And so you have – what? – sworn enmity to him? To _Erebus_ , and all who sail in her?’

‘Calm yourself, James, I’ll do my duty.’

‘He doesn’t want your duty, Francis, he wants - ’

‘- What, James?’

‘…’

‘My love?’

‘…’

‘James, Sir John has your love. Yours, and every poor fool of a ship’s boy who’ll kill himself for fear of disappointing him. He doesn’t need mine.’

‘They love Sir John, Francis, because they know he loves them.’

‘Oh, by the beards of all the saints, James, hear yourself. Who are you saying this for? Himself isn’t here to hear you. You think Sir John sat upright in his berth on _Erebus_ glowing in the certain knowledge that you contrived to lick his boots all the way over on _Terror_?’

‘I’ll have you know I meant every word.’

‘Oh God, that’s even worse. If I believed it for an instant, which I don’t.’

‘… Well, he will still want to know if we resolved our differences. I have a battle-plan, but it requires us to be in the same room at least once so that we can exhibit our newfound goodwill to Sir John.’

‘You give overmuch credence to Sir John’s investment in the affair, James. He has your worship, and my obedience, what cares he what you are to me or I to you?’

‘And if something were to happen to Sir John?’

‘…If something were to happen to Sir John, James, rest assured that it would have taken me and you long before. Men of his stamp have a way of evading calamity, however gladly they dispense it.’

‘I’m not the one to have planned for that eventuality, Francis, it’s Sir John.’

‘Planned how?’

‘He told me I should cherish you.’

‘…’

‘… And while _that_ remains well out of my compass, I must still endeavour to - ’

‘And that’s why you’re here?’

‘… What?’

‘… I should have known, really.’

‘ _What?_ ’

‘What would James Fitzjames, pride of the Admiralty, want with a middle-born, middle-aged Irishman who can offer him neither flattery nor advancement - ’

‘Francis - ’

‘- were it not under orders?’

‘Francis - ’

‘What were you promised for being a good soldier? Captaincy of the next mission to the Poles? Higher command you’re not suited for and haven’t earned?’

‘… Earned?’

‘Was it worth it, then, to offer me the use of things I’d need to pay a Limehouse doxy double for?’

‘…’

‘… That was – I shouldn’t - ’

‘I wouldn’t know, Francis. I’ve never needed to procure the services of Limehouse doxies.’

‘James - ’

‘But to answer your question, my price for _fraternising_ with you again would be higher than the Discovery Service could ever afford.’

‘James - ’

‘And I’d counsel a little less insistence on past honours and how men come _by_ their command, Francis, and a little more attention paid to what you _do_ with command once you’ve got it.’

‘…’

‘Sir John’s not plotting to make you love him, Francis. You’re right, he has the love of his men – and, might I add, that of a goodly number of yours – and need not sue for more. Especially not yours. Not your love, and not your good opinion.’

‘…’

‘And neither of us need be troubled by our errors of judgement ever again. My compliments to Mister Diggle, Francis. Yes to the bouillon, remember, easier on the hollandaise.’

‘… I remember, James.’

‘And you needn’t trouble yourself to volunteer your society. We’ll send for you if we have need of your … particular perspective.’

‘Very well, Commander Fitzjames.’

‘Good-bye, Captain Crozier.’

**Author's Note:**

> The talented and fabulous @attheborder and @reserve sort of ... pointed me in the direction of this prompt, but my mangling of it is my fault and mine alone.
> 
> My tumblr handle is [itsevidentvery](https://itsevidentvery.tumblr.com/) if you'd like to come yell with me there.
> 
> A handy-dandy rebloggable link for this fic is [here](https://itsevidentvery.tumblr.com/post/621462618482393088/talk-themselves-mad-anactoriatalksback-the) if you are so inclined.
> 
> Also, if anyone thinks I should revise the rating of this story, let me know! I'm not sure where the Rating Caselaw stands for Radio Plays Involving Jobs of the Hand and Blow Variety.


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